My wife and I were married in December of 2007. Our friendship, and eventual courtship, began in April of 2006 when we talked about our desire to get into a deeper Bible study. I was looking for greater depth in Biblical understanding, while she was looking to connect deeply with other people. Turns out, it was good for both of us, and it started our path toward creating our passion for small groups. We had never even heard of a small group before this: we simply asked a few other people to do a book study with us on Sunday evenings at my house. We didn't really have a plan or any guidance--but we read a chapter a week of the book on our own outside of the group time, and then we talked about what it meant, how to apply it, and where we were at personally for a couple of hours, and then we played a game for an hour. This happened for 3 hours each week for a year and a half. After we were married, the group did fizzle, due to my lack of confidence and willingness to share leadership. But it also fizzled because my wife got sidelined in helping me to lead. Based on the wisdom of our church staff, I was told to apprentice other facilitators, but no one gave any thought to the fact that my wife was taken out of the leadership circle in the process. This is as much my fault for not knowing better as it was church staff for not having a vision of shared ministry in marriage.
Fast forward nearly three years, and I get it so much more clearly now. I cannot serve God in the way He has designed me without my wife by my side. She can see relational things that I will never directly understand. She can protect me from naively having inappropriate conversations with needy or hurting women in a group. She is much better at the small talk, relationship building communication that I am--I go straight to the point, as fast as I can.
In spite of our parents' many faults, this is one area where we see our parents got it right and we do not see it modeled by our church now, at all. Our parents consistently have served together, side by side, in the areas of ministry at church. Now, occasionally one will be called to serve directly in a different ministry, but still the other spouse will provide support behind the scenes to make sure the lead spouse can do the needed actions well. The idea is relationally work together, knowing each others' needs, such that God is honored in both the ministry and the marriage.
In our church right now, we see husbands and wives rarely working side by side. I think it is very possible that half of the church body would not know the lead pastor's wife's face, because they are never seen together. This is somewhat true for the other staff members, as well. Rather than accepting that the entire staff family is called to the position, it seems more like the staff members are called to work 9-5 Monday through Thursday, occasional committee meetings in the evenings through the week and Wednesday night activities, and then service times on Sunday. Our worship minister does add Saturday morning rehearsals to his list. I realize that it is not a matter of time; pastors must find time to recuperate and to lead their personal families. To me, it is more a matter of perceived attitude--this is a job that I do alone, rather than a calling that I walk through with my family.
Our worship minister's wife is more visible, but that is because she was a music major in college, and he allows her to do solo and duet work with him on stage. But, even he has told me that there are things he just doesn't tell his wife to "protect her." I do not understand how a one flesh marriage can have secrets. When I first became a deacon, I experienced the same thing. A major change was coming in our church, and we were told, "Do not share this with your wives."
It just does not make sense to me at all. Husbands should go to their wives to work through troubling issues, including those that are sensitive from work and ministry. Husbands should also trust that their wives are not going to gossip about those sensitive issues. If the relationship between husband and wife were more relational, communicative, and intimate, perhaps wives would not gossip as much with other women.
As I grew up, I went to a small church. The pastor and his wife always greeted you, together, at the back of the church at the end of service. They reached out to couples, together, to counsel them and walk with them through difficult choices and circumstances. I saw this same thing happen at almost all of the churches I attended in college. There was no question that the pastor's wife was directly involved in his shepherding ministry.
Now, I attend a church of about 500 active attenders in three services. Perhaps the concept of ministering relationally doesn't or can't happen in bigger churches where you often don't know the names of the people sitting around you. It just feels more corporate, more distant, more anonymous.
My wife and I feel like we can do more ministry, more effectively if we invest in each other first and then invest jointly in others. We do not want people to be able to be anonymous. We want to invest in others in such a way that they experience God's love in a very real, practical way, and then continue the ripple effect to those in their relational circles. We do not want people to feel alone in their burdens...we've been there ourselves, and it is so hard. We want to see Christ lifted up as we serve Him, together.
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