My wife and I were married in December of 2007. Our friendship, and eventual courtship, began in April of 2006 when we talked about our desire to get into a deeper Bible study. I was looking for greater depth in Biblical understanding, while she was looking to connect deeply with other people. Turns out, it was good for both of us, and it started our path toward creating our passion for small groups. We had never even heard of a small group before this: we simply asked a few other people to do a book study with us on Sunday evenings at my house. We didn't really have a plan or any guidance--but we read a chapter a week of the book on our own outside of the group time, and then we talked about what it meant, how to apply it, and where we were at personally for a couple of hours, and then we played a game for an hour. This happened for 3 hours each week for a year and a half. After we were married, the group did fizzle, due to my lack of confidence and willingness to share leadership. But it also fizzled because my wife got sidelined in helping me to lead. Based on the wisdom of our church staff, I was told to apprentice other facilitators, but no one gave any thought to the fact that my wife was taken out of the leadership circle in the process. This is as much my fault for not knowing better as it was church staff for not having a vision of shared ministry in marriage.
Fast forward nearly three years, and I get it so much more clearly now. I cannot serve God in the way He has designed me without my wife by my side. She can see relational things that I will never directly understand. She can protect me from naively having inappropriate conversations with needy or hurting women in a group. She is much better at the small talk, relationship building communication that I am--I go straight to the point, as fast as I can.
In spite of our parents' many faults, this is one area where we see our parents got it right and we do not see it modeled by our church now, at all. Our parents consistently have served together, side by side, in the areas of ministry at church. Now, occasionally one will be called to serve directly in a different ministry, but still the other spouse will provide support behind the scenes to make sure the lead spouse can do the needed actions well. The idea is relationally work together, knowing each others' needs, such that God is honored in both the ministry and the marriage.
In our church right now, we see husbands and wives rarely working side by side. I think it is very possible that half of the church body would not know the lead pastor's wife's face, because they are never seen together. This is somewhat true for the other staff members, as well. Rather than accepting that the entire staff family is called to the position, it seems more like the staff members are called to work 9-5 Monday through Thursday, occasional committee meetings in the evenings through the week and Wednesday night activities, and then service times on Sunday. Our worship minister does add Saturday morning rehearsals to his list. I realize that it is not a matter of time; pastors must find time to recuperate and to lead their personal families. To me, it is more a matter of perceived attitude--this is a job that I do alone, rather than a calling that I walk through with my family.
Our worship minister's wife is more visible, but that is because she was a music major in college, and he allows her to do solo and duet work with him on stage. But, even he has told me that there are things he just doesn't tell his wife to "protect her." I do not understand how a one flesh marriage can have secrets. When I first became a deacon, I experienced the same thing. A major change was coming in our church, and we were told, "Do not share this with your wives."
It just does not make sense to me at all. Husbands should go to their wives to work through troubling issues, including those that are sensitive from work and ministry. Husbands should also trust that their wives are not going to gossip about those sensitive issues. If the relationship between husband and wife were more relational, communicative, and intimate, perhaps wives would not gossip as much with other women.
As I grew up, I went to a small church. The pastor and his wife always greeted you, together, at the back of the church at the end of service. They reached out to couples, together, to counsel them and walk with them through difficult choices and circumstances. I saw this same thing happen at almost all of the churches I attended in college. There was no question that the pastor's wife was directly involved in his shepherding ministry.
Now, I attend a church of about 500 active attenders in three services. Perhaps the concept of ministering relationally doesn't or can't happen in bigger churches where you often don't know the names of the people sitting around you. It just feels more corporate, more distant, more anonymous.
My wife and I feel like we can do more ministry, more effectively if we invest in each other first and then invest jointly in others. We do not want people to be able to be anonymous. We want to invest in others in such a way that they experience God's love in a very real, practical way, and then continue the ripple effect to those in their relational circles. We do not want people to feel alone in their burdens...we've been there ourselves, and it is so hard. We want to see Christ lifted up as we serve Him, together.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Invested love....where this thought process began and has come full circle
For whatever reason, a year and a half later, I am not directly involved in leading small groups as a ministry for our church. The main reason is that at the time little response occurred to the meeting that I mentioned in Jan. 2010. I see so much that I didn't have a clear vision, and the pastor had not laid out a church-wide vision. From what I have heard, the pastor is going to preach on community intentionally this fall, with the WL and another staff member leading off-site small groups while the associate pastor continues to direct on-site small groups. We have had one training where it was made clear that all groups, on-site or off-site, are going to be called small groups. The next training is in August where we will learn how to use the church website to record attendance, have e-mail connection with group members, etc.
In July 2006, my wife-to-be and I started the first small group I led, made up of singles ages 18-30. This lasted until September of 2008. We joined a young married group in October 2007 and stayed there as members until December of 2008. We started a new multi-generational group in March of 2009 that lasted until October 2009. While this was a short-lived group, we developed some relationships that continue to this day and one of the retired ladies from the group now volunteers in my classroom. Then, in October of 2009 we started a new younger married group and this continued until March of 2011. And now, I am a small group leader without a group.
I am beginning to realize that I had such a great experience with the first group, and it has been hard to recreate. I have expectations that these new groups will have the same drive, same passion to grow in Christ in the way that we experienced that first time, and it has not happened again. I know that not everyone is at that place, and I have to learn how to engage people where they are. Honestly, the reason the last group ended was because I was tired. I was leading in my own strength, not relying enough on the Spirit's direction, and I felt like I was pulling teeth every time we met. The group was not at a place of reaching out on their own, and I wasn't at a place to coax them deeper. It is too bad, but God allows us to learn from our mistakes and go forward.
This summer, several key conversations have brought me back full circle to where my thoughts have started with invested love. Many of them happened on a mission trip in Haiti. One of the missionaries repeatedly discussed the Great Commission, but she gave a focus that I've felt but hadn't had so clearly expressed.
Matthew 28:19-20:
"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Christ told us to go make disciples. He did not tell us "to go make converts" (Haitian way to express "to save people"). Christ told us to go make disciples. Disciple-making is a long-term process. It does not happen in a half-hour sermon; it happens over a lifetime.
One of the group members talked about the discipleship process during Jesus' time. Typically, disciples would choose their own rabbi. They walked with him and learned from him. The follower chose the leader, with the intention of getting to know the leader/teacher so well that he could imitate the rabbi to the next generation. Christ approached this process differently. His disciples were to do the exact same thing--to walk with Him and learn from Him. BUT--Christ chose His disciples. He sought them out. He decided to invest in certain people, instead of waiting for followers to come to Him. Christ was bold, going up to these men and saying simply, "Follow me." When a man was hesitant, making excuses about following Jesus later, Christ was so bold as to say, "Let the dead bury their own dead." Christ was not a rabbi who just sat passively and waited for followers to come to Him. Christ chose them first. He made no excuses for how hard the life of a true disciple of Christ would be (Matthew 8; Luke 9).
So how does Jesus' example impact us today? Christ told us to go make disciples and to teach everything the new disciples to obey everything He commanded us to do.
Outside the church walls, I think it is clear that Christ wants us to share our faith without excuses. It's not up to us to convince anyone that Christ is the right, and only, answer. The Holy Spirit will do that Himself because just as Jesus sought out the first 12 disciples, He is still initiating the relationship with new disciples today. We just need to tell our story of how Christ impacted our lives, and then we live like we believe Jesus is who He says He is. This is the first part of invested love.
Inside the church walls, I think that we need to seek out and invite those that stay on the sidelines. Find out what is keeping them in the shadows, and engage them. Here is where invested love has the rubber meet the road. I feel that there are so many people who are sitting in church who need a gentle nudge to move forward. In this last small group, I did not rely on God's strength, and I was not able to do it in a way that brought Him honor. I am sorry about that. If we rely on Him, though, He can equip us and empower us to reach out to those who need that encouragement, and even that rebuke in Christ-like love.
When I hear that the 80-20 rule is so entrenched in the church, I have to ask why. Why is that, across almost all congregations, we typically see 80% of the work done by 20% of the people? I have to believe part of this is due to a choice not to engage people that don't volunteer. Maybe these people don't volunteer because of a lack of confidence. If that's the case, we need to walk beside them as they serve so that they can gain assurance of God's work in their life and that He wants to use them for His glory. Maybe these people don't volunteer because of a lack of skill. If that's the case, we need to teach them, asking them to apprentice in roles by watching people who have done the skill before and enjoy sharing the blessing of serving Christ.
Maybe we don't ask people to volunteer because we like our ministry too much. We enjoy so much doing what God has called us to do; maybe we're afraid to let go of that event/activity/process that brings us so much joy. Maybe we're afraid that those who follow us won't do it the same way, or they might be better at it than we are, so we don't look as important or successful. All of these fears are sincere, and I experience them frequently myself, but they are preventing others from experiencing the blessing that we enjoy when we serve God with a willing, humble heart.
A second part that stuck out to me through these conversations is the title of this blog. Christ said we are to teach everything He has commanded us to obey. What has He commanded us to obey?
Matthew 22:35-40
One of [the Pharisees], an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
"Love your neighbor as yourself" is also found in Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 19:19, Mark 12:31-34, Luke 10:27, Romans 13:9, Galatians 5:14, and James 2:8. Paul retells that all the commands are "summed up in this one command" in Romans and that "the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command" in Galatians. James calls it the "royal law."
What strikes me then is that we need to teach people how to love God first, by teaching humble submission, and then how to love others, again by teaching humble submission. And I think in today's world we need to teach people how to love themselves, by teaching that God is holy and just and Truth while at the same time being grace and mercy and love. Many people struggle with loving others because they do not truly love themselves. They do not see themselves as part of God's creation, designed with a purpose to honor Him. They struggle to see past their own sin and find it hard to believe that they are lovable by other people, so why should they love themselves? I know I have found myself there at times, and I become a victim who struggles to reach out to others because I am so centered on my own weaknesses and shortcomings rather than God's strength in me. If we teach morality void of a humble dependence on God, we are not fulfilling the Great Commission. A list of rules will never lead anyone to true righteousness.
The last conversation that prompted me to think deeper was about pure religion.
James 1:27:
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
My wife and I have struggled with infertility for our three and a half years of marriage. We are in our early to mid-30s, and we have felt that God is calling us to adoption. We feel a strong call to redeem a life that could have ended in abortion. We know that we are not doing this on our own, but we do it because we are called to love others. It is God's use of us as His instruments of peace that provides the true redemptive story. A couple in our church have adopted two girls from Ethiopia, and they are excited to walk with us as we go down this path toward adoption. Last Sunday we talked about this verse in James, and I brought up how my wife and I feel called to both parts of this verse. We have felt a strong call to support widows who are around us through encouragement and care, and physical support if they need it, as well. Several widows around us are not shut ins but rather still vital and active, but they do feel alone and they need loved on. Some women are functional widows, in that they are divorced, either by their husbands' choices or sometimes even their own, and they still need loved on and shown Christ's grace. We see all too often that generations function separately in the church, and we want to help bridge that gap through loving children and senior adults.
I pray that we depend on Christ to love Him first so we have the strength to love others as well.
How's that for a year and a half gap of thoughts!
In July 2006, my wife-to-be and I started the first small group I led, made up of singles ages 18-30. This lasted until September of 2008. We joined a young married group in October 2007 and stayed there as members until December of 2008. We started a new multi-generational group in March of 2009 that lasted until October 2009. While this was a short-lived group, we developed some relationships that continue to this day and one of the retired ladies from the group now volunteers in my classroom. Then, in October of 2009 we started a new younger married group and this continued until March of 2011. And now, I am a small group leader without a group.
I am beginning to realize that I had such a great experience with the first group, and it has been hard to recreate. I have expectations that these new groups will have the same drive, same passion to grow in Christ in the way that we experienced that first time, and it has not happened again. I know that not everyone is at that place, and I have to learn how to engage people where they are. Honestly, the reason the last group ended was because I was tired. I was leading in my own strength, not relying enough on the Spirit's direction, and I felt like I was pulling teeth every time we met. The group was not at a place of reaching out on their own, and I wasn't at a place to coax them deeper. It is too bad, but God allows us to learn from our mistakes and go forward.
This summer, several key conversations have brought me back full circle to where my thoughts have started with invested love. Many of them happened on a mission trip in Haiti. One of the missionaries repeatedly discussed the Great Commission, but she gave a focus that I've felt but hadn't had so clearly expressed.
Matthew 28:19-20:
"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Christ told us to go make disciples. He did not tell us "to go make converts" (Haitian way to express "to save people"). Christ told us to go make disciples. Disciple-making is a long-term process. It does not happen in a half-hour sermon; it happens over a lifetime.
One of the group members talked about the discipleship process during Jesus' time. Typically, disciples would choose their own rabbi. They walked with him and learned from him. The follower chose the leader, with the intention of getting to know the leader/teacher so well that he could imitate the rabbi to the next generation. Christ approached this process differently. His disciples were to do the exact same thing--to walk with Him and learn from Him. BUT--Christ chose His disciples. He sought them out. He decided to invest in certain people, instead of waiting for followers to come to Him. Christ was bold, going up to these men and saying simply, "Follow me." When a man was hesitant, making excuses about following Jesus later, Christ was so bold as to say, "Let the dead bury their own dead." Christ was not a rabbi who just sat passively and waited for followers to come to Him. Christ chose them first. He made no excuses for how hard the life of a true disciple of Christ would be (Matthew 8; Luke 9).
So how does Jesus' example impact us today? Christ told us to go make disciples and to teach everything the new disciples to obey everything He commanded us to do.
Outside the church walls, I think it is clear that Christ wants us to share our faith without excuses. It's not up to us to convince anyone that Christ is the right, and only, answer. The Holy Spirit will do that Himself because just as Jesus sought out the first 12 disciples, He is still initiating the relationship with new disciples today. We just need to tell our story of how Christ impacted our lives, and then we live like we believe Jesus is who He says He is. This is the first part of invested love.
Inside the church walls, I think that we need to seek out and invite those that stay on the sidelines. Find out what is keeping them in the shadows, and engage them. Here is where invested love has the rubber meet the road. I feel that there are so many people who are sitting in church who need a gentle nudge to move forward. In this last small group, I did not rely on God's strength, and I was not able to do it in a way that brought Him honor. I am sorry about that. If we rely on Him, though, He can equip us and empower us to reach out to those who need that encouragement, and even that rebuke in Christ-like love.
When I hear that the 80-20 rule is so entrenched in the church, I have to ask why. Why is that, across almost all congregations, we typically see 80% of the work done by 20% of the people? I have to believe part of this is due to a choice not to engage people that don't volunteer. Maybe these people don't volunteer because of a lack of confidence. If that's the case, we need to walk beside them as they serve so that they can gain assurance of God's work in their life and that He wants to use them for His glory. Maybe these people don't volunteer because of a lack of skill. If that's the case, we need to teach them, asking them to apprentice in roles by watching people who have done the skill before and enjoy sharing the blessing of serving Christ.
Maybe we don't ask people to volunteer because we like our ministry too much. We enjoy so much doing what God has called us to do; maybe we're afraid to let go of that event/activity/process that brings us so much joy. Maybe we're afraid that those who follow us won't do it the same way, or they might be better at it than we are, so we don't look as important or successful. All of these fears are sincere, and I experience them frequently myself, but they are preventing others from experiencing the blessing that we enjoy when we serve God with a willing, humble heart.
A second part that stuck out to me through these conversations is the title of this blog. Christ said we are to teach everything He has commanded us to obey. What has He commanded us to obey?
Matthew 22:35-40
One of [the Pharisees], an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
"Love your neighbor as yourself" is also found in Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 19:19, Mark 12:31-34, Luke 10:27, Romans 13:9, Galatians 5:14, and James 2:8. Paul retells that all the commands are "summed up in this one command" in Romans and that "the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command" in Galatians. James calls it the "royal law."
What strikes me then is that we need to teach people how to love God first, by teaching humble submission, and then how to love others, again by teaching humble submission. And I think in today's world we need to teach people how to love themselves, by teaching that God is holy and just and Truth while at the same time being grace and mercy and love. Many people struggle with loving others because they do not truly love themselves. They do not see themselves as part of God's creation, designed with a purpose to honor Him. They struggle to see past their own sin and find it hard to believe that they are lovable by other people, so why should they love themselves? I know I have found myself there at times, and I become a victim who struggles to reach out to others because I am so centered on my own weaknesses and shortcomings rather than God's strength in me. If we teach morality void of a humble dependence on God, we are not fulfilling the Great Commission. A list of rules will never lead anyone to true righteousness.
The last conversation that prompted me to think deeper was about pure religion.
James 1:27:
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
My wife and I have struggled with infertility for our three and a half years of marriage. We are in our early to mid-30s, and we have felt that God is calling us to adoption. We feel a strong call to redeem a life that could have ended in abortion. We know that we are not doing this on our own, but we do it because we are called to love others. It is God's use of us as His instruments of peace that provides the true redemptive story. A couple in our church have adopted two girls from Ethiopia, and they are excited to walk with us as we go down this path toward adoption. Last Sunday we talked about this verse in James, and I brought up how my wife and I feel called to both parts of this verse. We have felt a strong call to support widows who are around us through encouragement and care, and physical support if they need it, as well. Several widows around us are not shut ins but rather still vital and active, but they do feel alone and they need loved on. Some women are functional widows, in that they are divorced, either by their husbands' choices or sometimes even their own, and they still need loved on and shown Christ's grace. We see all too often that generations function separately in the church, and we want to help bridge that gap through loving children and senior adults.
I pray that we depend on Christ to love Him first so we have the strength to love others as well.
How's that for a year and a half gap of thoughts!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)